Beginning again...rebirth....coming out.

Job 23:10 KJV: "But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold." The previous text is a common and well known among "church folk" and those of us who have grown up in church. Growing up in a pentecostal apostolic church, I've heard this scripture "preached" many times. When I think of this scripture I often think of a song by the great psalmist/songwriter Andre Crouch "Through it all" In part it's words are... "through it all, through it all I've learned to trust in Jesus! I've learned to trust in God! Through it all, trough it all I've learned to depend upon His Word." While growing up I knew of these word and could quote and sing them. However, until recently I don't think I really KNEW THEM.

I say this because I grew up in an middle to upper middle class family. I had tons of love and support from family,church family and friends most if not all of my life. Although I always knew I was different and felt different. I didn't know what the difference was. I never wanted for anything. I had friends, although not the most popular kind in school or on the block... I was somewhere comfortably in the middle. Almost hidden from scrutiny.

During childhood through my teen years I had my fair share of toys, clothes, I had a car. When I went to college I had own apartment, enough clothes that I didn't wash clothes for the first two months I was there. My parents and family ket my bank account full. Basically I needed for nothing.

Which is why I say I never really took that scripture and song to heart. Oh, now I danced and shouted along with al the adult saints when e heard these. I think it was learned response and I mimicked what I saw and was taught to do which was PRAISE GOD!!!!.

Fast forward to 2008. Although I think my mother and family always knew I was ... different. It was never confirmed until that year. I was devastated!!!! Then soon after I lost one of my best friend and brother to A.I.D.S. I never even knew he was sick. I don't know why he never told me, but he kept it a secret from everyone until his body betrayed him. Since I was attending to him so much during his last days and for a myriad of other reasons. I lost the man who I thought was the love of my life. I also fell out with a good friend and my roommate, but we'll save that for another post.

In 2009, I lost my job. Due to this and trying to be responsible, I moved to a family owned home in a less desirable part of the city. 2010 brought sickness to my life. I was diagnosed with Atrial Fibrillation in 1999. This is a disease of the heart where the heart beats irregularly and very rapidly. It can cause the victim to be tired and short of breath. It is dangerous because the irregular heart rhythm can cause a stroke or for a clot to from in the lung heart even the brain. Scary right? My situation has pretty much been controlled by medicine until this year.

This past March, I experienced an episode. I went to the ER and as usual. I was happy alert and joking with the staff. I've been enough that I know lots of the ER crew. I am also known because my mother is well known there and did her training there. But this time there was a difference.... the meds and other remedies didn't work. This time I had to have a cardioversion. Which pretty much as shock with the paddles. In theory it stops your heart and the body, because it is designed so well by Jesus, will know how to start the heart back in a normal rhythm. Sounds simple but scary since my heart stops for about 3 minutes. This went of without any complications but it did burn a little bit.

All this brings me to this post. Since my heart stopped.. I could have been considered dead in a sense and since my heart started back again life was beginning again, reborn as it were. This was be my third birth. The first was through my mother birth canal, the second as spoken of in the Bible was through the Blood of Jesus and now this third birth.

During all this I've have taken to heart and now I quote and sing the aforementioned scripture and song with a new sense of purpose. I now know what they mean. I believe that these trails have come to make me strong, To get me ready for something, for someone indeed for the rest of my life. I now know what the saints were shouting about. I can now truly shout with them. I've learned to lean on Him first and the most. When all else fails God is.... I am THAT I AM. He is in effect what I need Him to be at THAT moment. I've had my EUREKA!!!!! .

I am like the phoenix rising out of the ashes, ready for the new challenges that life may bring along with the joys. There are some things inside me that are waiting to come out. To be expressed! To spring forth and Shine as "pure gold" not just any gold but gold that has been tried in the fire, shining like new!!!!! I am excited about my new beginning, my rebirth, my coming out. I'm looking forward to the new lessons, companionships, realtionship, dealing and everything else.

This blog is an extension of this new life, process and journey. I am by no means a writer. My form may be off, my flow may be off to you the grammar my not be standard but this is my journey which I have invited you to witness and what i write is how I experience it. I may post once a day or more may I'll post once a week. It will be when I feel inspired to do so. It will be therapeutic for me. Feel free to comment and dialogue with me. Let's converse. Remember this is my journey, my blog my life. It's isn't yours. We may not agree on the choice I may make or the road I take. All is ask is that you be respectful and openminded, as I will try to be. This blog has gone through a rebirth as well. I previously posted things but have deleted them all and have begun to record my journey again. I have been inspired by some cool friends I've met on twitter while reading there posts. Thanks Z! Thanks D! Thanks Robby! Suggestions and advice is welcomed. Please bear with me as I get the log up to standard and add some bells and whistles. I decided to do it now because I would procrastinate forever trying to make it perfect. This is just the first entry of my life as Keef......